1. Elin Woods has resolved to either divorce tiger woods (which means he’ll have to find someone else to give the back 9 to, no problem there I guess) or pump iron enough to finally put on the heavy wedding ring. They get pretty heavy when laden with shame.
2. Kate Hudson will star in 5 more Dane Cook films, vowing to commit career suicide.
3. Taylor Swift celebrated her 20th by donating $250,000 to keep kids in school. In 2010 she vows to steal it back, realizing that educated children equals a drop in country music record sales.
4. Taylor Lautner has resolved, since his episode of SNL, that he will devote his life to becoming a gay ninja.
5. Russel Brand was detained at LA airport and quizzed for an hour, felt his look is what got him detained. Resolved to cut his air and dress like Cruise for next Adam Sandler flick where he’ll play another useless character. Girlfriend Katy Perry is crushed. When asked to comment, Katy said “I thought he was a girl… I liked it”.
6. Katy Perry resolved to clean up her life, starting with losing Russel Brand, vows to kiss another girl, and like it.
7. Wilmer Valderrama has vowed to take counseling in 2010, says jogging over excites him and he doesn’t know why. If he fails at keeping his resolution, he has promised to strap his anaconda to his leg when visiting Miami.
8. Tara Reid resolves to do at least one more Playboy shoot, men around the world scream like girls and can’t stop bouncing. KY sales skyrocket.
9. Lindsay Lohan vows to remove the blemishes on her tainted reputation. Included with that statement in her latest twitter post she said “I killed all the Somali Pirates!”
10. Rachel Uchitel and Jamie Junger swear to open an escort service together, tentatively titled “Crouching Tiger Hidden Gigglestick”
11. Robert Downey Jr. resolves to toss off in the face of everyone that gave him hell for snorting coke while dressing up like WonderWoman
12. Jessica Simpson proudly states “I -will- win an award for something!”
13. Kate Gosselin vows to remain relevant somehow.
14. Adrianne Curry resolves to show off more skin in hopes that geeky fanboys everywhere will die off quickly, thus saving the worlds supply of mountain dew.
15. Lady GaGa vows to prove to the world that she is talented, thousands of people coincidentally throw-up in their mouth a little