There is something about life, that has always tried to keep me behind. I call it bad luck…some people have told me that i have the best luck ever but I cease to believe them.
I was 23 years old, when I had my son Nickolas. His name is Nickolas Daniel Enriquez born January 29, 1999. I called him the runt of the litter born, that day but I must say the most beautiful runt out of all of them. It was the day, I delivered one of the marks on this earth I will leave behind, God forbid it be soon but one day. As a young mom, you’re filled with emotions when you first see your baby. You think “Wow! I created this little human being. What do I do next?”. Shortly after the shock wore off, my instincts of a mother kicked in. Life after that was good. I found a job, moved out of my mom’s home into my own place and started raising Nick. Where is his father? I’m sure you’re wondering. Well his father and I met through my older sister. He was attractive, funny and very loving and 12 years older than me. He wanted more than I did, so we didn’t last. Out of spite, he decided that he didn’t want a part in his life. I decided I would take this adventure on my own and what a ride it has been.
Nickolas has always shown to be a very smart child at a very young age. He spoke his own baby language and when he finally went to daycare, he learned to speak the English language. It was amazing to see him grow up and become the boy he has become now. We met his step-dad when he was 2 years old. They quickly became best of friends. They did everything together, from peeing in the same toilet to watching Sponge bob Square Pants 24 hours straight. It was like he had found the missing link to his life. Our life was good and we moved to Houston, Texas to be closer to the man I married in 2004. We had our ups and downs but we always managed to work through it. Nickolas started school at the age of 4 years old. He was experiencing difficulty in focusing and keeping task. In the 1st grade, his teacher informed us that she believed Nickolas had Attention Deficit Disorder, better known as A.D.D.. As a mother that is the last thing you want to hear about your child but I understood now why he didn’t always listen or remember what to do when told to do something. He saw a Neurologist and sure enough he was diagnosed immediately. He started on different medications till we found one that helped. Shortly, after he started taking Medidate, I noticed he would complain of always hearing people talking. I always blew it off because he could have been hearing another conversation going on in an another room. We spoke to his Neurologist and he recommended that he start seeing Psychology. Well as new as this all was for me, I didn’t want to believe my son had A.D.D. or that he could possibly be hearing voices. I refused to seek guidance with this. It wasn’t the best idea but I was hell bent on proving that he was hearing me talk or his step-dad. Soon after that, he would come to me asking if I had called his name out cause he was hearing his name get called out a lot. Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to say yes to his question, I couldn’t. Once again I put it behind me and made excuses for what he heard. Then Nathan came along, Nickolas seemed to be adjusting well to his baby brother, we weren’t having problems with him hearing voices, so we lived life as normal as we could.
Life always manages to change as quickly as the seconds change on a stop watch..My husband and I start fighting and arguing non-stop. It gets bad enough that we separate and file for divorce. In the process of it all, Nickolas is left without his best friend and father figure. My ex-husband decides that he can no longer be a father to him and will only see Nathan alone. Depression hits Nickolas quickly. He gets so depressed, that I decided that Psychology would be best at this point. He discusses the voices, his depression but withholds a lot of his emotions. The Doctor decides that his medication will change to Concerta and he stays on this medication for a good while. Voices still there, depression still there and gets worse but we manage it till he the age of 10.
Nickolas and I have a long discussion one day, before his 10th birthday. We discuss his real dad. I explain the situation that occurred between us and I asked him what he wanted to know about him. He says “Mom, I really just want you to take me to his house, so I can see his reaction”, I say “Reaction?” He says ” Yes, I want to see if my dad misses me and if he doesn’t react to me. I will walk away and never look back?” What does a mother say to that? How do you react or respond? I repeated what he said to me back to him and I couldn’t believe what level of maturity my son’s mind was at for his age. I told him that I would do what I could but that I couldn’t make any promises. His birthday came and went and it didn’t work out. I noticed Nickolas had some cuts to his left arm. When I asked him he gave me this bullshit story about how he fell, I knew better than to believe that. After noticing that it would not heal, I sat him down and asked him what really happened. He said “Mom, I’m sorry, I hurt myself while in school. I took my finger nail and dug into my skin and then took a tack and stabbed myself till it cut me and bled”. I told him how dangerous it was for him to hurt himself and I asked him why? He said he couldn’t explain why. I spoke to his Psychiatrist and she asked that I monitor him and just nurse his wounds till they healed. He unfortunately is a picker, so it took longer to heal. Nickolas always had a way of hiding his emotions from me. He always says “I don’t want to worry you, Mom”. Well he was off for Spring Break in March and I took some time off from work to spend with them. It was Saturday, March 20, 2009, I took the boys fishing. They were having a good time, playing, fishing, posing for pictures and running around. I never thought anything different about Nickolas’s mood that day. The only thing I noticed was that he kept pushing stuff off the table when we were eating but he kept saying he was just being clumsy. That weekend was good or so I thought. Monday afternoon, I received a call from his 4th grade teacher. She tells me that Nickolas had stabbed himself in the head with a pencil, because he said he was having bad thoughts about killing his brother. I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He seemed good all weekend, never mentioned any problems. I told her I would speak to him and his Psychiatrist about this. I spoke to him and he says “Yes, Mom I have been having thoughts of wanting to hurt Nathan. The voices keep telling me that I need to kill him but, don’t worry I don’t want to harm my brother”. I asked him when did he start having these ideation’s in his mind and he said “When we went fishing, the voices kept telling me to push him into the water. Thats why I was pushing things off the table”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I called his Psychiatrist immediately but to no avail as usual. I explained the urgency but I didn’t receive a call. He was still hearing voices and still no call from the Doctor. Tuesday, I stayed home and took care of Nathan and I spoke to Nickolas’s school nurse. We spoke for a long time about what he had been discussing with her at school and I explained multiple things Nickolas had blamed himself for. Wednesday, I received a call from my best friend about a CPS report made against me for child negligence. Everything I told this nurse, she turned against me. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was trying to get help and I couldn’t get it. I didn’t know what else to do. I cried to my boss and told her the difficulty I was having in reaching my son’s Doctor and she immediately pulled some strings and got him in. March 25, 2009, Nickolas was admitted to Southwest Mental Health Center. Nickolas’s unknown side came out to me and 3 Psychiatrist that day. He spoke of things, I had no idea he was thinking. His thought process was so off and all over the place. His emotions were changing from second to second. I sat in total shock and I didn’t know what to think. I was completely numb and scared. I didn’t know he was manic. This is something I wrote to explain what it was i felt that day. Please read:
Last week was the worst week of my life..as a parent. I can’t imagine how it was for my son. I can’t imagine living with a mind in total chaos, not knowing if I’m coming or going, not knowing that I can’t control what I hear or what is real or unreal. Sitting in a psych hospital watching my son go through a manic state of mind was the worst thing I ever went through. I wouldn’t even wish that on my worse enemy. I never thought I would ever go through this in my life nor did I ever think my own flesh and blood would have to either. I remember working with my old boss and watching her go through her manic state and I never could understand how someone as smart as she was could have this disorder till Wednesday night. No one is to blame for this disease, its not how you were raised, its not what your life is missing out on, its not cause you’re spoiled or poor nor is it because your life is bad, unfortunately its genetic and it never goes away. No matter how much I wanted to blame myself or my ex husband for walking out, my divorce, his dead beat father for not giving a rats ass or medication. I realized that no matter what happened in our life the disease laid dormant waiting for the opportunity to present itself and it did a damn good job when it did. ADD and Bipolar Disorder is what my son has. It effects the most sweetest, smartest, big hearted, compassionate, loving friendliest people in the world…it effected my son… Nickolas has always been one of my greatest accomplishments and no matter what, he is the best thing that ever happened to me January 29th, 1999. He saved me then and he saved me now…He will never know how heartbreaking it was to watch him spiral up and down in a matter of seconds but he will know that no matter how hard it gets I will always be there to pick him up every time… I love you Nick, thank you for teaching me to be positive even when you feel as if your world is ending…You are an amazing little boy and I thank God for blessing me with you..
Enough said, till next time…