After raising five kids, you think I embarrass easily? Ha! From the toddler peeing in the display toilet in a plumbing store window to the teenager picked up for pocketing pennies from a mall wishing well, I endured the gamut of public parental embarrassment! Now, for your ammunition or entertainment, based on decades of experience and pure evil fantasy, I’ve compiled a list of surefire ways to turn the tables and embarrass your kids. Not that I’m recommending this. Mwaahaahaa!
1) Take them bra shopping with you. Remove bra from package and stand in front of a store mirror out in the open. Try on bra over your clothes while passers-by snicker at how absurd you look. Do not act embarrassed. Let the children do that for you.
2) When your child calls unexpectedly, whining for a ride while your hair is piled up on your head dripping color down your cold cream covered face, go get them. Like that. Wear a large garbage bag over your clothes for special effect.
3) Drop off your child at a sleepover and whisper loudly, “I packed some extra jammies, sweetie, in case you have an accident.”
4) When they appear in any public performance, whether it’s sports, a play, or first rock band, ostentatiously make your way down front with your camera and yell your child’s name to get a memorable picture.
5) Whenever your kids have friends over, regale them with stories of cute little things your child said and did when they were little. Mispronounced words, like pissgetti, will really crack them up and increase your child’s popularity.
6) When your daughter gets her first period, call all your friends and chatter on about it excitedly for hours. Be sure to compare stories about your own periods.
7) Label absolutely everything in your child’s lunch bag. Even if it’s obvious: Hard-boiled egg, Apple, Banana, Yogurt, Bag of Peanuts. Your child may not appreciate your attention to detail and sense of humor, but all their friends will get a huge kick out of it!
8) When your teenager comes out of the bathroom, walk by without stopping and say nonchalantly, “Masturbation is perfectly natural at your age.”
9) Post notes of endearing motherly affection on your teenager’s FaceBook page. Use pet names, like Bubby & Snookums. It’ll make them feel secure and loved and keep them off drugs.
10) When your son finally brings home his girlfriend to meet you, proudly show her photos of him breastfeeding.
Disclaimer: Author cannot be held liable for your child’s therapy bills, nor your attorney fees when you file a cease and desist order to halt the use of material about you in your adult kids’ stand up comedy routines. Giggle at your own risk!