Self-confidence. It is the foundation of core competencies, stability and happiness. Confidence is defined as realistic confidence in one’s own judgment, ability, power, etc. An individual can be confident one day and insecure the next. There are instances where there is more self-confidence, which is defined as cocky or arrogant. The time self-confidence is low is known as insecure or needy. Either way it is defined, confidence is important. People are going to have insecurities and vulnerabilities. This is normal. The key of who is defined as confident versus insecure is how close those insecurities are played to the chest. The individuals who portray a higher sign of insecurity are those who may be too open about their weaknesses and emotional baggage compared to another individual who displays they are self-confident because they are pulled together yet have the similar insecurities and baggage. It is often that a person can be extremely self-sufficient, but when the person is put in a relationship, the insecurities set in. Examining this, is the individual really insecure, does the relationship make them insecure, or is it a combination of the two?
In relationships, people act differently. Their true self and even fake self is shown in the rawest manner while in a relationship. There can be a woman who is generous and soft mouthed towards most people she meets yet with her significant other, her voice is higher pitched and she is stingy. Or take the man who is gregarious with others and hardworking yet with his significant other, he is quiet and lazy. Do these characteristics showcase an insecure person or the multi dimensions of people? The signs of insecurity can be detailed in many factions of life such as work, academics, relationships or friendships. The proponent for more insecurities affecting the character of the person would be a good indicator of the self-consciousness level of the person. The same factions that make the person secure could abruptly change to another insecurity later on. Relationships can be a constant insecurity no matter what an individual does to make it better. This person can be confident in every other arena, but in relationships, the person is not truly themselves.
This tends to happen when two people spend intense time together and are intimate. The more people get to know each other, the more of their true colors can come out. Even some that they want to hide. It can also be that each person in the relationship is not on the same wavelength concerning important elements to a secure relationship. For example, let’s say, a woman’s boyfriend is wanting a casual relationship where they talk on the phone and spend time together every now and then. The woman on the other hand, is fine with this arrangement until months go by and she assumes that the relationship should be progressing. Once she realizes it isn’t and it may not, she becomes insecure. She begins to act needy, anxious, and critical.
According to Dr. Kevin Skinner of Relationship Intimacy – Are You Ready for More?, he states that there are six components to a healthy relationship:
Physical Intimacy, which is sex and other behavior such as kissing and holding hands.
Verbal Intimacy, which can be sharing of opinions, ideas, and giving and receiving feedback to one another.
Emotional Intimacy is connotated to sharing feelings. This includes bad, good, happy, and sad emotions.
Intellectual Intimacy–involves sharing mutual interests in things such as plays, books, and thoughts.
Spiritual Intimacy is couples who share common beliefs and values.
Psychological Intimacy could be classified as values shared for the relationship like commitment, honesty, loyalty, and truthfulness.
If several parts of these components are missing or low in a relationship, then there is a high chance of insecurity. In the example mentioned, the relationship is missing psychological intimacy of commitment. Both people are not on the same level, which is why the woman feels so insecure. Looking at this, however, this woman could be classified as insecure more so insecure in the relationship. She is adding more weight to the relationship than she should because she, herself, does not feel whole. One part of the intimacy puzzle is missing, and this causes extreme stress for her. A person who feels insecure in a relationship because the relationship is lacking in physical and emotional intimacy may very well still be a confident person in general. It isn’t fair to classify a person as secure or not secure by few reasonable actions. It can even be true that when a person is not in a relationship, they are more confident than in one. This could be for reasons of the intimacy components not being strong or the person is with the wrong type. Despite the insecurity patterns some are doomed to repeat it. To stop this cycle, one should recognize where their insecurity is coming from. They then need to examine why they feel that way and defeat it. Confidence in a relationship won’t happen overnight, but the realization of it is what matters first. The only reason a person should feel insecure is because of their own insecurity.