Scene: It’s a sunny, idyllic day on The Island. In the distance, on a grassy hilltop, we see the ghosts of Jacob, John, Boone, the hobbit dude from Lord of the Rings, Jack’s dad, Juliet, Libby, Daniel, Ana-Lucia, and Eko hula-dancing with the dirty polar bear and smoke monster. Jack and Kate aren’t dancing; as usual, they are sweating and staring longingly at each other beneath a coconut tree. Sawyer has just removed his shirt and dived into the ocean. Kate’s pretending she doesn’t notice Shirtless Sawyer, splashing and laughing in the waves with young Aaron, whom we recently discovered is Sawyer’s ex-girlfriend’s cousin’s son. Hurley is chilling on the beach in the back of the old VW bus, slathering Dharma Initiative peanut butter on a slice of mango.
Jack: (taking Kate’s hand) Kate, will you marry me?
Kate: It’ll never work, Jack. I’m sorry. I’ll always love you, but…I just can’t.
Jack: I came back to The Island for you! Please…
Kate: I’m sorry.
Jack: It’s because of my son, isn’t it?
Kate: What? What son?
Jack: The brilliant piano player.
Kate: Do I have a son, Jack?
Jack: Probably. Most of us have kids, even though we don’t know it. Ben’s dead daughter is one of his high school students. Ethan and Shannon had identical twin daughters who got adopted by Charles Widmore, the rich psycho in the submarine.
Kate: You’ve gotta be kidding. Ethan and Shannon?
Jack: I saw it all on a thousand-year-old cave drawing on the other side of The Island. The ugly guy was definitely Ethan.
Kate: That doesn’t make any sense.
Jack: (snorts) Nothing around here makes sense.
Kate: What if I’m your son’s mother? Your ex-wife?
Jack: I thought my ex-wife was the girl from “Ed.”
Kate: (sneaking another peek at Sawyer’s bare, bronzed, well-sculpted chest) Oh, right. But wasn’t that in a different dimension? Uh, in a parallel life or something?
Jack: I saw that.
Jack: I saw you looking at him. I think you’re drooling.
Kate: Sawyer’s been so sweet to Aaron ever since Claire jumped into the volcano.
Jack: I still can’t believe she’s gone.
Kate: Aaron’s safe now. I think she’s…happy…wherever she is.
Jack: She’s not out here dancing with the other ghosts.
Jin and Sun crawl out of a small hut on the beach. Hurley waves to them.
Hurley: Dude! I thought you guys would never come out!
Sun: (blushing) We’ve had a lot of…catching up to do.
Jin: (slapping Sun’s ass) Yep.
Hurley: Is anyone else bored? Like, when are Ben and Sayid bringing the helicopter back?
Jack: Ben and Sayid aren’t coming back.
Kate: We thought you knew.
Hurley: (shaking his head) You mean, we’re stuck here? Again?
Jack: Desmond and Penny and Walt should be here soon. They’ll probably parachute down any second.
Kate: Or they’ll all wake up inside the hatch, not remembering how they got here.
Hurley: So it’s all a big joke to you guys.
Kate: (sarcastically) Haven’t you noticed? We’re in paradise. We can do anything we want.
Jack: Except get married and live happily ever after.
Kate: Shut up, Jack.
Hurley: My paradise includes air conditioning and Twinkies.
Kate: Ask the smoke monster for some Twinkies. I bet he’ll hook you up.
Hurley: This island sucks!
Sawyer and Aaron are drying off on the beach. Thankfully, Sawyer is not putting his shirt back on. All of the ghosts have stopped dancing and have turned to stare at Hurley. The smoke monster is pissed!
Sawyer: Watch your mouth, Hugo. (raising his voice, smiling at the smoke monster) The Island is fantastic! We love being your prisoners here!
Ghost Charlie starts playing guitar and the other ghosts join him in singing DriveSHAFT’s big hit, “You All (Everybody).” The smoke monster relaxes and starts swaying to the music.
Sawyer: (speaking quietly to everyone on the beach) Richard’s on his way.
Kate: I don’t trust Richard.
Sawyer: He’s our last hope, Freckles.
Miles strolls out of the forest, concealing something in his shirt. He joins Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Aaron, Jin, Sun, and Hurley in the shade next to the VW bus.
Miles: (whispering) I got the berries.
Hurley: Let me have one.
Miles: Shh! Not yet.
Sawyer: Cool it.
Jack: I don’t think this is gonna work.
Sawyer: Sure as hell beats your last plan, Doc.
Jack: It’s insane.
Hurley: What’s going on? You guys don’t tell me anything.
Richard appears in the distance, paddling a large lifeboat toward the shore.
Sawyer: If you wanna stay here singing “Kumbaya” with Smoky and the Ghosts, you go right ahead. I’m getting off this godforsaken island once and for all!
Sawyer clutches Aaron to his chest and dashes to the ocean. Miles is right behind them. Jin and Sun grab Hurley and start running, too. Jack and Kate stare at each other and sigh and almost kiss. Then the smoke monster realizes what’s happening and hops onto the back of the polar bear; they charge toward the beach, roaring and clicking.
Kate: (taking off running) Last one to the boat’s a rotten egg!
Jack: (also running) Hurry!
The smoke monster, who can’t leave The Island, strops abruptly as all of our favorite good guys safely reach the water and start swimming toward Richard’s boat.
Smoke Monster: Curses! Foiled again! I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!
Richard: (pulling Kate into the boat) So glad you all made it. Now, I spoke to Brooke Shields-she’s a good friend of mine, you know, after all those years of working together on “Suddenly Susan”-and she says all we have to do is eat the poisonous berries. We’ll all faint, and then, in a few days, one of our fathers and his rescue team will find us. They’ll wonder if we’re dead, but then they’ll discover that we’re only sleeping!
Kate: Oh my God! Just like The Blue Lagoon! Gimme some berries!
Hurley: Me first!
They all eat a handful of berries and pass out. The ghosts standing on the shore of The Island disappear one by one as the smoke monster’s power fades away. Jacob is the last ghost standing. He stares directly into the camera, shrugs his shoulders, and laughs. Then the screen goes black.
(Yeah, I actually did a bit of research for this. Sad, isn’t it?)
Personal experience watching and loving and hating (but mostly loving) “Lost” on ABC