Already, 2010 seems to be shaping up to be a hilarious year. To keep the amusement flowing, I have compiled the following list of the ten funniest New Year’s resolutions I have heard for the coming new year:
#1: To stop constantly updating Twitter and Facebook; take a lesson from Miley Cyrus: no one in the internet community cares about what you had for lunch, how long the line is at the grocery store, or that awful pimple.
#2: To finally throw away all those oldmagazines; we realize that Pam Anderson’s issue is a collector’s edition, but given the longevity of publication there really is no reason to horde 457 back-issues of Playboy. Recycle!
#3: To limit use of ‘witty’ ringtones which may be offensive; odds are, your cousin Miranda doesn’t appreciate “Baby Got Back” announcing her call to a room full of strangers, nor would your Mother-In-Law be happy to know her ringtone is the Star Wars “Imperial March.”
#4:To stop shopping and talking on the cell phone simultaneously; no one needs to overhear your discussion of “that funny itch” your friend Ted has. Especially not while trapped in line at the check-out.
#5: To refrain from wasting $50 trying to win McDonald’s monopoly; and finally admit defeat to those addictive little game pieces. Although “millions in cash and other prizes were awarded,” it is unlikely you will ever see any of it. Nor will anyone you know.
#6: To stop uploading videos of unknowing people on YouTube; yes, it can be hilarious to watch your friend stumble around after a party. Or perhaps that lady at Wal-Mart really was wearing a hideous outfit. But next time it might be you, and your video might hit 3,000,000 viewers which include your college sweetheart and your new boss.
#7: To never again engage in the endless debate over the Twilight Saga; enough is enough. Team Edward, Team Jacob; how about Team I-Don’t-Care? Let the fans be the fans, and those who haven’t enjoyed the series live in peace.
#8: To stop caring more about the breed of Obama’s new dog than his policies; seriously, did the selection of a “Portuguese Water Dog” really deserve numerous articles in magazines like People plus it’s own website?
#9: To stop complaining about the economy only to spend $50 on McDonald’s monopoly again; focusing on the negative without being willing to contribute isn’t a solution, and making it “super-sized” won’t alleviate anyone’s problems.
#10: To stop using text messaging as a primary form of communication; whole sentences, correct spelling, and punctuation are all reasons we went through school. Rediscover the joy of a phone call, and stop using “LOL” exclusively to convey humor.