Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs proves that a group of dimwitted misfits can’t compete with a strapping young prince that apparently has the power to resurrect the dead with the touch of his lips. A closer look, displays how every woman is fickle after the touch of a pair of velvet lips permanently bonds you to the man that rescues you.
Cinderella shows that women don’t actually have to compete for true love; they can just vainly dream of a supernatural fairy godmother that will provide all the equipment for you. Ignore the fact that this prince would probably overlook you when you dressed like a wench and scrubbed the floor, but focus on how much you were willing to change yourself in order to get him to like you. What this teaches us is that men are attracted to breasts and women are attracted to power; so change your looks in every way possible and you can have the world at your fingers.
Lady and the Tramp shows that, although some women might fall for the dirty white boy, they’re still going to be a complete bitch (they’re dogs, so I can get away with that) to him and treat him like scum, until he’s literally graveling at her feet. Nothing impresses this high maintenance lady until he defends her from unspeakable terror in the form of a giant rat. Then what’s he rewarded with? Sex (doggy-style). Then the guy is stuck with a litter of puppies to deal with. But what the movie doesn’t show you at the end, is how miserable the two of them are together, so the guy catches a ride on the next bus out of Dodge and leaves the lady at home with the children and no child support checks.
Sleeping Beauty has an underlying theme that women don’t have to do a thing to win over the affections of a guy. They can literally just lay there and sleep until he just randomly shows up and lays one on you (not to mention the only reason he kissed you was because he thought you looked hot). And don’t be surprised if he copped a feel while you were sleeping too.
Robin Hood teaches us that women are most attracted to the bad boys, but not entirely bad boys; just the ones that steal and vandalize, because you have to be able to change him to a certain degree. This would have been flawed from the start if the man were to smoke cigarettes or sniff glue, because the cause of his rebellious nature has to show the supposed good inside of him. He’ll compete for your affections, but you have to give him no quarter. No kissing, no hugging, and certainly no making love until he’s willing to kill the local authority for you.
The Little Mermaid proves that all women need to do is look good, be available at any time, and just shut up. This woman goes so far as to make a deal with the devil to experience true love, so it’s bound to have no flaw involved. Nope, you won’t be able to talk to your true love. But that’s not really a problem, because men don’t want to hear you ramble on about how your day under the sea was. Their main concern is whether or not your carpet matches the drapes. And once the man is sick and tired of you, he smacks your ass and leaves you some money on the dresser for your cab fair back to the sea.
Beauty and the Beast shows that if you’re willing to do anything to change a man, then surely you cannot fail. Okay, we can all understand how she doesn’t want the man that her father approved for her, but how is a beast of a man any different than a brawn absent-minded sportsman? One thing; singing furniture. So, be my guest, find yourself an angry psychotic man, flirt with him a little bit and he’ll surely change into a real man for you. Either that or “accidentally” push you down the stairs.
Pocahontas shows that women will use anything to get what they want (in this case, it’s to save their land). So, she’ll use her sexuality to her advantage and sway the white man from taking their land. Strange. I don’t recall this in any of the history books.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame teaches us that the good guys never win. You can do all these fanatical things for a woman, but in the end they’re going to go for the more handsome guy, leaving the good guy standing there, grinning reluctantly like a jackass.