Well baseball season is here and here is a short course in baseball for those of you has no idea why men dress in funny pants and run around in circles and get paid lots of money.
Baseball players also take steroids and testify in front of Congress that they don’t take steroids. Which is basically lying and if you and I lied in front of Congress, we would either get 30 years in jail , be ordered to watch 48 straight hours of Michael Jackson videos or be forced to stand in front of a Toyota while they tested the brakes. Or the acceleration. Trust me, it is in Park.
There are nine players on each team in baseball and there are nine innings in baseball and the bases are ninety feet apart and no one knows why baseball is infatuated with the number nine.
Left field is left field if you are looking at left field from home plate. But if you are looking at left field from the bleachers, it is really right field. Center field always stays in the center, which is good, as you need to be centered to understand baseball.
The average height of a shortstop is six feet , so they are not short and a bullpen has no bulls in it, but they do shoot the bull in a bullpen. There are bases called first, second and third base, but there is no home base, it is called homeplate, but it is not shaped like a plate, it is shaped like a triangle.
Everyone with me so far? There are first base coaches and third base coaches, but you really can’t coach a base, as it is an inanimate object. There are also bench coaches, which you can get be promoted to if you do a good job coaching the bases. You can steal a base but you have to bring it back by noon the next day. Don’t ask me why.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the giraffe. That was a baseball joke.
Anyway – if you hit a ball to the outfield, it is called a fly. If you hit a ball to the infield, it is called a pop-up. So it should be called the infield pop-up rule, but it is called the infield fly rule. Go figure.
Did you hear about the Coke machine in the Yankee clubhouse? It only takes 100 dollars bills. You see that was a cocaine joke and a baseball joke.
But baseball players do not take cocaine. I know because that is what the players told Congress.
Anyway, remember ducks on the pond, means the bases are loaded, which would not happen if the third base coach didn’t let the bases drink. Nothing worse than a loaded base.
I hope that is all clear, I will explain Cricket next, but first I have to find anyone who even understands cricket.